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You Can't Go Home/Transcript

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(The setting in Africa takes place with the depressed, but gloomy 147-year old female elephant named Afro sitting on her chair seeing a birthday cake on the table plus the rooster is crowing.)

Narrator: Welcome to this week's episode of "Wild Animal Anachronisms." Today, we will visit the far inner reaches of Africa. Life in 147 years for an elephant means one thing. It has to end. (Afro's eyes starts popping that the narrator says, "it has to end" and looks up the handbook, "Extinctional Laws.") Extinctional Laws: Thousands of years old state that when an elephant reaches the age of 147 years, (Afro's putting her glasses on and looking at the picture of the Secret Burial Grounds) it must take the long journey back to the Secret Burial Grounds of its' ancestors. (She throws the handbook to the ground and depressingly sighs plus she's losing her last tusk.)

Afro: Oh! Silly dentures. (Picking up her tusk and putting it back on.) That reminds me. I'd better pick up another tube of the teeth if before my trip. D,oh? (Her trunk is messed up and tries to straighten it up, but it did not.) Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! So finally be free from the pain of this arthritis. (Looking up the candles with a mighty big puff and blowing the cake destroying the tree, Afro gasps and yells at the background) I'm ready, Jumbo! I'm ready to come home! Put the coffee on for me. (Trumpets with her trunk when she knows where the Secret Burial Grounds are)

Narrator: How does this elephant know where the Ancient Burial Grounds are? (Getting in a yellow taxi cab driving to the outdoor airport and a plane flying through the sky.) Maybe its' in some DNA, coded-instinct and coded-inner genes. Is it instinct, a higher force or just plain luck that plays a part in Afro making the right choice for dinner?

(Inside the airplane, Afro sees a female waiter with a plate with chicken or beef walking on her)

Female Waiter: Would you like chicken or beef for dinner?

Afro: Lacto-ovo, for me please.

(Gorgious eats the window curtains for his snack until he looks at Candy asking him.)

Candy: Just what do you think you're doing? I just got those back from the dry cleaners. What do you have to say for yourself? (Gives Gorgious a stare until he starts burping at Candy)

(The taxi cab (that's hearing the rap music) stops at the Aliens' House, and the Aliens look through the window seeing the vehicle and Afro crashes the top with her trunk until it was damaged by her getting off of it looking at the broken radio and pays the taxi cab driver some money. She looks at the house with her eyes popping.)

Afro: Oh. The Ancient Burial Grounds. They're gone. (going into the Aliens' house's living room to look for a chair to sit on.) Oh, well. I guess this living room is as gooder place as inning. I'll just sit here on the couch and wait. (She sits on the chair and breaks it.) Even the couch gets to go before me.

(The Aliens are looking at Afro from Bud's TV.)

Bud: Ooh. The large earthling does not look very happy.

Etno: No, Bud. It seems this pachyderm has come here to die.

Candy: Poor dear. (Etno eyeing on her)

Stereo #2: I don't think she's leaving 'til she dies.

Gorgious: Wait a minute. You mean to tell me a 5-ton animal has broken downstairs, (grumpy look) and it is her attention to die right there in the living room? (raising his hands in the air) Do you know what this means?

Etno: (walking into the TV and looking at everyone) Let me see. Well, at the standard rate of decomposition, taking me to consideration, atmospheric condition such as moisture levels, (looking at Stereo) temperature fluctuation, fly and subsequent (a spot in Candy's throat shaking) maggot infestations (Bud and Gorgious looking at each other) my calculations suggest that we'd better get a lot of air fresheners, gas masks and garbage bags.

Candy: We've got to get rid of her or she'll smell the house. Have you ever tried to get the smell of pachyderm dust out of the carpet? We got to do something!

Etno: Yes. And the smell would certainly atrract unwanted attention, possibly exposing us to discovery. All right, Candy! This mammal must go!

Stereo #1: The mammoth must go?

Etno: I have a plan. 

(He is showing his remote-like invention, the Transference Transmitter)

Etno: Here we have my Transference Transmitter. Patent-pending. Hmm, ahmm. (Looking at the group) With this device, any one of us can appear on the television screen as if our image were being broadcast over the actual T.V. station. Here, let me show you. (Etno pushes the button to have Bud on the T.V. screen, making him disappear like magic.)

Gorgious & Candy: (gasping)

Etno: So, we simply replace the elephant's remote control with the transference device. (Turning on the channel that Bud has to be stuck on) And one of us transforms into a television personality to convice her to get up and out of this house.

Bud: (getting out the TV, turning from black/white to the original color, orange.) Groovy!

Etno: So, who wants to go first? (looking at which alien has to go first)

Gorgious: (grabbing Candy's hand) I think we have a volunteer.

SMTV Chorus: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaaa! 

(Afro is sitting on a broken couch watching different TV shows on TV with his bored look.)

Doctor: (off background) Dammit, Jim. I'm a doctor, not a...(changing the channel)

Person: It's a bar three. This should be interesting. (Etno replaces Afro's remote control with the Transference Transmitter, plus she's watching golf with the crowd cheering and she now turns on the channel)

Candy: (in a commercial as a pizza delivery man holding a pepperoni pizza) Come on, friends. Life ain't so bad. Have a pizza and enjoy yourself. (smelling the pizza) Hmm, hmm. One of these is just what you need to kick-start your life.

Afro: I've lived long enough to see everything change from good to bad. (Candy giving a very horrible frown) Crime rates have soared, global warming, catastrophes of every kind. (Candy with a sad face and tears from his eyes) Earthquakes, flooding, and not to mention the poverty of millions of starving people.  (Sighing boringly plus Candy getting out of the TV and sitting with her changing the channel) What's the point in kick-starting that?

(Etno, Gorgious, Bud, and Stereo are looking at Afro and Candy on TV, but they're looking at Etno.)

Etno: I think we need a new approach. She needs the influence of someone she respects.

Bud: I got it. Tarzan! All animals listen to the Lord of the Jungle.

SMTV Chorus: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaaa! La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

(Stereo are now in a TV show, transformed into a two-headed, muscular Tarzan doing the original Tarzan yell, pounding on his chest, swinging the vines)

Stereo #2: Ah, the jungle. The stress-free jungle. (The monkey appears, but Afro and Candy are in the living room watching Stereo as Tarzan in the show.)

Stereo #1: There's no place like it on Earth.

Stereo #2: No worries for the rest of your life. 

(Stereo and the monkey are looking at Afro about her short life in the jungle)

Afro: Oh, don't tell me about the jungle. I've been here. (Stereo giving two frowny faces) I've seen the deforestation, the strip mining for gold. I swim in mercury-poisoned streams.

Stereo #1: You swim in mercury-poisoned streams?

Afro: How do you think I got these bumps on my head?

(Stereo now gets out of the TV and sits by Afro too and Candy now changes the channel)

Gorgious: (in a commercial as a makeup man in a French accent, spraying the red wig with his hairspray) Spray up do, if plenty of hairspray. Don't worry about the ozone, folks. We have a brand new line of sun-protection cleanser. Eh, ha. (looking at Afro) Dry, wrinkled skin. (Tsking and shaking his head 5 times) Chipped and cracked toenails. Eh.

Afro: Oh. (looking at the details of her chipped, but cracked toenails)

Gorgious: Your whole look is depressing. What you need is a total makeover. (He now gets out the TV, getting Afro a total makeover with face powder and now looks at her in the mirror.) Voila!

Afro: (dressed as a woman with blonde hair, magenta lips and a primrose red dress) Sorry, mister.  I would rather look like a hagged-old pachyderm that to use all those creams and cures, treatments and tightners. (Gorgious is now giving a frowny, but sad face) The beauty industry has used and abused us animals for too long. Animal testing, animal ingredients, oils, enzymes, Afrotesiax, fur coats. (Gorgious with a sad face and a tear from his eye) Oh, and killing the waste, the ugliness. Heh, the beauty.

(Gorgious is now sitting with Afro (with six flies flying around her head), Candy, and Stereo watching TV on a broken couch. But, Afro changes the channel.)

Narrator: Join us next week on The Apocalypse Channel, when we'll visit...

Narrator #2: It's inedible. The next Ice Age is just around the corner.

(Afro changes the channel to cooking with a lobster)

Chef: (with a German accent): And today, we are going to prepare a 75-pound lobster. (grinning) One pound for every year of its life. (laughing, but the lobster is screaming)

(Afro hears Ringmaster Bud ring the doorbell and opens the door.)

Bud: (as a Ringmaster) There you are. Afro, doll. I've been around de globe and back looking for you. We have some much to do. (touching Afro's head bumps) Come on, girl. We have boulders to move, (rubbing her back) trees to valve, (pushing her back) curve of the carry-on skull, girl. (grabbing her tail like a jump rope and touching his trunk) Don't you remember your training? (Doing some acrobatic moves that he could even remember her training) Simba, simba, oh, belleio, yo, yo, Mombasa. (grabbing and dragging her trunk back inside) Come on, doll. Do it for hygei-... (looking at Afro's angry face off of the background) D'oye! (Afro steps on him with her foot until Bud is walking off outside)

(The Aliens' House was covered with predators and carnivores, including seven orange spotted hyenas and six buzzards cawing and searching for the old elephant. (Note: That makes a total of thirteen.) But, Etno was looking at a buzzard at the window.)

Etno: What are we to do? Everything we've tried is failed. It's up to me now. I've got to talk to her once and for all. It's our only chance. (He walks downstairs seeing Bud, Candy, Gorgious, Stereo and Afro sitting on a broken couch, still watching TV until Etno comes running to look and talk to her.) Tell me, my dear pachyderm. Why must you stay here of all places? This is our only home. If you stay here, we'll have to leave.

Afro: I realize this causes a serious inconvenience for you. (showing Etno her "Extinctional Laws" handbook) But right here, in the handbook, it clearly states that at the age of one-hundred and forty-seven (147), all elephants must go to 769 White Oak Road. (having a sad, but frowny face until she starts crying with tears in her eyes) To retire!

Etno: But, this is 768 White Oak Road. 769 is next door! (Afro's eyes are looking to the right)

(The Aliens are looking at 769 White Road, an architectural French-style house with two trees)

Etno: At least she's where she belongs.

Candy: Oh, dear.

(The scene nearly goes from the Aliens' House to 769 White Oak Road, where Afro stays with a family inside, including a mom, (that was squashed by Afro sitting on a nice new couch) a dad with a very bored look and a boy asking his mom to keep her.)

Boy: (asking happily) Can we keep her, Mommy?

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